torchwoodinstitute | (no subject)

Jim did his rounds. As Sasan had mentioned, he started all the way at the very top and worked his way down, checking every door and every corridor that spoked off of the central Hub. It made him feel like he was doing something. He didn't have blood from Kilgrave to work on. He didn't meditate. He couldn't content himself playing non-online video games or cellphone app games. The Archives were shut off so he couldn't exactly read and though he had captained a starship for years, IT pretty much told him that if he tried to help them out again, they would break his fingers.

The temps Jack brought in to run the Hub were scary. Actually, the regulars were a little scary too. Kaylie might have an angelic grin but she could be frightening! Jim had seen her take a wrench to the core plenty of times!

This was only the going-on-fifth day of lockdown. The last one had been much longer, but this one was worse because of the reason they had been forced into it.

And now some kids were able to break through? It made his head hurt.

Jim passed Gabriel and Mohinder in the hall. He only nodded in passing. He stopped to talk to John Watson for a little while and tried to be pleasant to Henry but... Henry was just strange and quiet. He was a little surprised Jack wasn't around to bump into but he was probably wrapped up in playing dad.

Jim found himself thinking about trying not to think about Spock but it had been a long time since he had tried addressing his long dead bondmate through a telepathic link that no longer existed. It felt less and less heavy too. That was frightening...

And a relief.

It was never meant to bind you to me, Jim. Jim wasn't sure if that was even accurately the way Spock use to speak to him or not.

Sasan decided to go find Jim, after that ominous little discussion he had with Jack. The end of it had some advice that he thought he might want to follow.

Following Jim's walking path wasn't all that hard, at least not for Sasan. He went up instead of down, figuring that he hadn't seen Jim pass the kitchen yet. Oh, and there he was! Sasan liked turning a corner and coming face-to-face with the guy.

He grinned and walked down the hallway to meet up with the guy. "Hi, there. Mind if I walk with you?"

Jim hadn’t been expecting Sasan, which probably meant that he really should have been. He’d not seen the other in probably an hour and a half and unless they were sleeping, that was fairly unheard of. His voice, and the request to walk with him, overlapped Spock’s in his head. Jim didn’t feel annoyed by the interruption. Sasan just didn’t have the effect on him.

“Yeah, sure,” Jim said immediately, pausing and glancing over his shoulder so that Sasan could catch up. The hallway was just wide enough for them to walk abreast without really touching, though perhaps their knuckles would from time to time. Jim didn’t hate the idea. He wasn’t exactly touch-apprehensive. “Something happen?”

It was common for Sasan to seek him out, and just as common for Jim to do the same, but this felt different. Sasan’s body language was a little stiffer than he was use to.

It was a nice hallway for a walk, if one couldn't get outside. A lot of Torchwood was actually like that, so Sasan could understand why Jim would want to walk it.

At the question, Sasan smiled. "Nothing outside the usual. Jack wanted to borrow some clothes for the Mini-Gabriel." He shrugged, but it was stiff. Sasan felt slightly nervous, for once in his life. This was something he cared a great deal about getting right. He figured he should get straight to this, lest he do the unthinkable and chicken out.

"Ah, well, um." Good start. "I realized that I should bring this up now before things get crazy again." He noticed he was looking forward through the hallway when he didn't need to be. He looked up to meet Jim's eyes. "I really like you, Jim. I thought maybe it was just that you saved me at first, but it's become very clear that's not really it. You make me want to be a better person than I was back in LA...I think we're good for each other. I don't know if you'll ever be open to dating or feeling like that again, but I'll be here for you if you do."

He took a deep, loud breath, and hoped very strongly that he didn't just mess everything up. "Anyway, I hope that's okay. I thought you should know."

"Why would the kids need a change of clothing?" came the mused response as Jim paused slightly at a corner to be sure no one was going to run into them. He was about to ask something else about what clothing Sasan would even want to hand over to a pair of teenagers and risk their destruction when the hemming and hawing started.

Sasan was never like this. Jim had never once heard the other give false starts at all since they had met. Sure. It was only a few months but it felt like it could be a lifetime.

Concern crossed over his face before that concern turned to surprise. He knew Sasan was forward (he'd practically jumped Mohinder within the hour of meeting him) but this was unexpected. But what a silly thing to be surprised about considering all of their time together....

His mind was racing.

"Are you.... Suggesting.... Wait, Sasan--". Jim gently took his shoulder to push him around to face him. "Are you asking me out?"

Sasan was turned easily, and the look on his face was actually rather shy. But he still gave Jim a smile and nodded.

"Yeah, that's definitely what I'm trying to do, in my own unique awkward-high-schooler way. Is that...?" He bowed his head down a little, hopeful and scared at the same time. "Is that something you'd consider?" His smile widened, trying to tip him over further onto the hopeful side.

Jim tended to be prickly, but he was always a little softer towards Sasan. Sasan knew that made their relationship special, but he didn't know if it meant much in terms of romance. He could've maybe been reading into it.

Sasan was so earnest. Jim felt himself smiling a little with the way that the other man looked at him. Blue eyes closed ever so slightly and he found himself staring at a pair of stylish shoes. He'd been there when Sasan bought them.

"Can we talk?" It seemed only fair. "I mean yeah I know we can talk but will you let me tell you about him?"

That was either the worst way to answer someone who expressed interest in your romantically... Or maybe the best. Either way, they had a load of time here. And it was better than wandering the halls.

Well, it wasn't a 'no', so Sasan had probably avoided completely stomping all over their friendship. Good.

Of course, the question Jim asked still left things very ambiguous. But this was something that Sasan had wanted to know about for ages. He sort of laughed at himself in a bit of relief and nodded. "Of course. Please do. I'd like to know about him, if you're willing to tell me."

None of this was exactly easy but at least there were all sorts of sitting rooms all over the place and Jim knew one was close by. Why not do this more comfortably. He sort of wished he had some alcohol too. He and Sasan definitely enjoyed drinking together--

He stopped that train of thought and when he was seated across from the other man, Jim leaned forward on his upper thighs and just started to speak.

"He was my first officer. Half human, half an alien race that doesn't exist in this reality called Vulcan. Their whole deal was to purge emotion and embrace logic." Telling Sasan about how they met was bittersweet and almost romantic. The stranding, the former reality-- Jim had obviously been dealing with this life for a long time. "Anyway. We were four years into our five year mission when he entered his first, uh... Heat. I know how that sounds. Vulcans form this connection with people, telepathically. The woman that had been chosen for him perished on his home world. The one he had been seeing... They didn't have a way to connect. I heard him calling in my bones while he was in sickbay. He had gotten violent... Violent enough to break out of his restraints. Hormones and all-- But anyway, we were compatible. He was pretty much my best friend already anyway so that was no surprise. We had this link... We had it for a long time. I still have it now, but his end is dark."

It had taken almost an hour to get this far. Jim had been focusing on crazy adventures along the way.

"I've died before. That was terrifying. But experiencing him die-- I think it just keeps going. I don't even know if I can be with anyone again..." He blinked away the wetness from his eyes. "He's still with me, but I can barely remember him. Not in as much detail as I should. I could close my eyes and tell you what you were wearing the last week but I can't remember how my bondmate said my name."

Sasan hadn't batted an eye at the whole 'Heat' thing. He'd seen and heard too much around here by that point. However, he was nearly crying by the end of Jim's story. It was so sad. "Oh, Jim..." Sasan said, reaching out to put his hand on the man's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible."

So that explained why Jim always acted the way he did. Anyone would, Sasan felt. He couldn't completely imagine it, losing some sort of telepathic bond. It made him a little worried. "Does it hurt you, for me to be around?" He didn't think so- it seemed to be only good for both of them. But maybe Jim had everyone fooled on that front. Sasan had to ask. He didn't want to be erasing what Jim had with Spock, even if it was just memories.

Spock was gone. He was in a place that Jim could never hope to reach again, all instances of him locked away forever. As a Vulcan, he didn't believe in heaven. His spirit joined the cosmos. That made Jim's answer so much easier... Because he and Spock had had their time. It had been good and it was over.

Rather than shying away from Sasan's touch, Jim returned the embrace as much as he was able to considering the distance between them. Their knees touched. And Jim could touch his cheek to the inner curve of an arm.

"You make it easier."

"I do?" Sasan asked, touched. "Oh, I'm glad."

It was a little bit awkward, the way they were touching, but Sasan thrived on physical contact. He certainly wasn't going to forego it now. In fact- he scooted around until he was next to Jim. And he gave him a big hug. Jim needed one right now.

"I suppose this means I can continue annoying you, then," he said quietly, after some time had passed.

"Is that what it is you do?" Jim asked, shifting to the left so that Sasan had a little more space to join him. It wasn't a small sofa by any means but Jim had been doing things like that for months now. He lightly wiped at the underside of an eyelid because Sasan was the only person he knew sensitive enough to cry over another person's heartache and then settled back against the couch cushions with his arms still around the dark haired American, hands locking in at his own wrists.

He smiled. It wasn't exactly a joyous smile but Jim did have the good sense to look content with Sasan as curled up against him as he wanted to be.

"When lockdown is over, let me take you out properly." Which sounded a little ridiculous, really, since they had pretty much been dating without the intimacy since they'd me. "Something better than the standard restaurants and movies." He might be rusty but once upon a time, he'd been quite the playboy.

Oh, this was nice. He settled up against Jim happily. They'd 'cuddled up' before, but there had always been the excuse of alcohol (however small the amount) to back them up before. Now there wasn't that wall of pretend.

Especially not when Jim said he'd take Sasan out. That got a brilliant grin out of Sasan. He had enough expressions for the both of them, honestly. Besides, he really appreciated when Jim looked content. It was a comfort he hadn't known with friends back home, except occasionally with Tori.

Oh, Tori would have loved to gab over this whole thing. He never would've lived down the fact that he actually wanted to seriously date. The nostalgia didn't hurt to think of, for once.

"Ooo, sounds interesting. It'd be a good way to celebrate not being stuck in here with all our coworkers anymore." The place was big enough that they really could all have their own space, but they were all still stuck. "What're you thinking of? Or did you want to surprise me?"

Sasan relaxed into Jim's arms, just feeling the warmth and weight of them. He could stay here for the rest of lockdown, as far as he was concerned.

"I would have thought you'd want the time to figure out what you're going to wear," Jim said. He'd never minded Sasan's closeness (after he'd gotten use to being with someone that had no issue with personal space). It had become somewhat second nature for them to inadvertently touch or look at once another too long.

The teasing had made Jim almost blind to it instead of having his attention drawn. That was the craziest part of it all.

"I've been promising you a trip to London for awhile. Why don't we go do that? No missions. No weird artifacts." Maybe they could take a day trip to Paris and have a baguette in front of the Eiffel Tower. It wasn't overkill. Sasan would eat it up.

Sasan grinned when Jim mentioned he'd want time for clothes-coordinating. They really did know each other well, already. And the idea- "Oh, I'd entirely forgotten about that trip! I mean, it's no wonder, with everything around here being non-stop the way it is. But that sounds so nice. And I know Jack owes you a ton of time off, so he won't be able to keep you."

On the contrary, he figured Jack might be pushing Jim out the door, given the opportunity. The Captain seemed to understand that Jim needed some unwinding time.

"So we'll hit the shops, but what else do you want to see? Anything in particular pique your interest?" Sasan tried to think about his own answers there. There was so much history in old cities like that, it was hard to decide on anything. "Oh- how about the London Eye? That could be fun." Trust Sasan to pick one of the newest things in London to look at.

"It's London," Jim laughed. "There are a thousand more things to do than just shop. I've never gone as a tourist before." It was always for a mission. So he wanted to do the typical tourist things. He wanted to walk the prime meridian. He wanted to see King Henry Tutor's palace. He wanted to ride in a black cab and visit the Tower of London-- "But the Eye-- you got it."

He could rent out the red cab and have a private dinner. He didn't spend his money on much so why not show Sasan a really good time?

It would be something a little better then half snuggling while watching Netflix and eating popcorn.

To be fair, they could now fully snuggle while watching Netflix. But doing something fancier wouldn't go remiss with Sasan. It'd been far too long since he had any glamour in his life.

Sasan twisted a little bit, so he could look up at Jim. His eyes were bright and he was grinning. "So we'll be the most touristy tourists in all of London." This was almost certain not to be true, but Sasan seemed amused with the idea.

And then it was hard not to notice how close their faces were to each other. Sasan found himself staring at Jim's lips. Of course, he had to be mindful of what Jim just told him, and how unsure he was of some things. Sasan looked up from those lips, into beautifully blue eyes, and asked, "Would it be all right if I kissed you?"

Touristy tourists sounded so different from Jim's usual way of being that he found himself nodding along. When was the last tine he hadn't given into Sasan though? When he came over with beers some fancy new flavored vodka to try, or a rented movie, or a recipe Mohinder gave him, or a desperate need to know if those shoes went with those pants, Jim had never sent him away. Their time was already so caught up with each other whenever Jim wasn't out saving all of the iterations of the known universe.

And now the person he had come to care the most for in the world was right here and inches from his face and asking that

There was silence and Jim didn't seem like he would respond at all. He brought his hand up to graze his knuckles against the hard line of Sasan's cheek.

Maybe it was fitting that he'd found him. That his whole mind had been so focused on him. Maybe that dangling end of a bond wasn't so dangling after all, just trying to reattach itself to something just a good?

This wasn't Spock. Or some girl planet side who's name he would forget by the time he answered a call to return to the ship.

Jim leaned in, wide lips covering Sasan's just before he heard the telling chuckle of a voice he did not need right now tickle the back of his neck.

"Jim, Jim, Jim. What is it you're doing? I go away for a little while and find you like this?"

Jim stiffened, but tried to ignore it by slipping his hands into such carefully groomed hair.

Sasan's lips curved up at the sides as Jim leaned in to kiss him. Apparently it was all right, and that was just lovely for Sasan. He'd dreamed- literally dreamed- about kissing Jim, but he wasn't sure if it would ever happen.

He didn't have long to revel in the sensation before he felt Jim stiffen up. This had to be difficult for him. He was thinking of pulling away, but he let it slide for a moment, and then he felt hands in his hair.

He wasn't sure whether it was him or his hormones that decided to leave it for the moment. He pushed it just the tiniest bit farther, opening his mouth just the smallest bit as an invite, making sure his lips dragged against Jim's just a tad. Sasan was warm and inviting, willing to do whatever Jim was up for.

"I didn't realise you had such a type," Khan said in his velvety accent, strolling around the couch, unseen, though his voice did hit Jim from behind Sasan when he spoke again. "Didn't this one mention finding monogamy to be boring? Or are you going back to that old way of life? Shag and leave?"

Jim kissed Sasan just a little harder, a little more forcefully than he had actually wanted to. Bruising kittenish lips wasn't really ideal, and Jim pulled back, mouth still open and what was likely a longer mixture of their saliva giving shimmer to his thick lower lip.

He lightly squeezed the back of Sasan's neck and pressed their forehead's together with his eyes squeezed shut.

Go away, go away!

"What's that Jim? Can't heaaaar you."

It wasn't the first time Sasan had come across someone pushing themselves, but that part generally didn't show up until much later in the course of things. Sasan rubbed Jim's back where he could reach, and watched those eyes squeeze shut.

"It's all right. Don't force anything, okay? I'm still going to be here." He had no idea how traumatizing losing a bond like that could be, but he bet it was pretty awful. And he already knew he'd have to take things slow with Jim. He was fine with that. Jim was worth it.

He'd wait until Jim moved, get an idea of how bad it was, and then ask if he could help, with anything.

"You're nothing I have to force," Jim breathed, ignoring the laughter and the tsk taking that reached his ears. Khan's appearance, thankfully, was short. He slipped away into the shadow of the corner. A restless sort of sigh escaped from Jim's throat as his thumb very lightly stroked over one of Sasan's ears. "I'm sorry."

It was difficult to do any of this. Since Sasan had come into his life, Khan had stayed almost completely away from him. It had been ridiculous to think that he was gone and worse to forget he even existed.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but when did you start being so patient?"

Jim was being apologetic, and Sasan just shook his head lightly, closing his eyes as Jim's thumb caressed his ear. There was nothing to apologize for, Sasan was just fine.

Jim brought up patience, and his eyes popped open again as he smiled. "I can be patient...when its for someone I care about deeply, and when things get serious. It just so happened that nothing was ever serious in LA." Well, not the part he lived in, anyway. "Besides, I did tell you that you brought out the best in me, right?"

He reached up and ran his fingers through Jim's blond hair, ruffling it as he brushed it back. "Can I do anything for you? You need some water or...anything?"

Jim leaned in for one more kiss-- But that kiss turned from a soft, almost after thought to the sweeter kiss he had hoped for the first time. Khan wasn't here to nag him or to worry Sasan for his sudden reactors and Jim took the time he needed to enjoy the first intimacy he had had in years. So he moved a little closer. Sasan was delightful, the perfect fit, though in all honesty, Jim already knew that he would be. That made it easier, but he never once thought of Spock save for a break in that deliciously warm kiss. And only in regards to Sasan's feelings.

"It's not him on my mind. That makes me sound guilty. But it isn't. I want you to know that it's you... It's been you for... A long time now. You probably guessed."